


More Than What He Deserves

by Liza0111



Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Trailer, Forgiveness, Hopeful Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Makeup, Panic Attacks, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Reunions, Survivor Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-07
Updated: 2019-04-17
Packaged: 2020-01-06 03:53:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18380435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Liza0111/pseuds/Liza0111
Summary: He carried him back to the avenger’s new spaceship and held him tightly against his chest. Tony’s skin was cold, and that was wrong. He wanted nothing but to give him his own warmth, his blood, his soul and his life if he could. He couldn’t accept it if he were to lose Tony. He couldn’t accept it if he were too late.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I couldn't stop thinking about the avengers rescuing Tony after watching the endgame trailers. Although I doubt this is how it will play out in the movie, one can dream >:  
> I just want everyone to tell Tony they love him, he has been through so much. let him survive endgame and be happy please please please

 

 

—He is going to die.

 

At this point, he doesn’t know whether he is scared or angry or relief by that fact. He and Nebula tried everything they could think of to get themselves back on Earth in hopes of reuniting with the remaining avengers. They have exhausted every bit of resources, even sacrificing parts that made up of Nebula’s own body to repair the ship. There is nothing left, and he is so very tired. His body is practically breaking down due to starvation and dehydration, nearly every inch of his body is hurting, and his sense of reality is drifting away. Coherent thoughts are more that what he is capable of, the few moments left of his sanity are spent on thinking how much he hates himself for not being able to do more. Perhaps death would be merciful to him.

 

 _But still, he wishes he could have gone home one last time._ He doesn’t want to die like that. He wishes for a proper farewell to all the people he cares about, the ones that are alive, at least. But maybe that is more than what he deserves. After all, fifty percent of the universe's population disappeared with the snap of Thanos’ fingers. None of them got to say goodbye to their loved ones. Some of them were even planets away from their home when it happened. He can feel his heart twisting in pain again. _Peter……_

 

Exhaustion claims him. The concept of time completely evades him.  He wonders if his glucose starved brain is capable of giving him one final dream before he dies. That’s not too much to ask for, is it? He tried his best, he really did. He made many mistakes, caused the loss of innocent lives, pushed away people he should have listened more to, waited too long to make amends. If he could go back in time, he would do it all over again differently, even if it meant enduring all the pain that came with it for the second time round. _I am sorry_. An inaudible apology escapes his chapped lips. It’s too late now. He is going to die here without being able to change a thing.

 

Tony can feel his mind drifting away as the oxygen level in the Benatar drops to dangerously low levels. _This is it, huh?_  His arm slips off to the side of his chair as his eyelids drop. _This is the end._

 

Suddenly, there is a tight grip on his shoulder. “There is someone coming, Stark!” Nebula shouts, her eyes focusing on the window, a quiver detected in her weakened voice. “Hold on just a little longer, can you hear me? Stark!”

 

He musters the final bit of strength left in him to look up. Through his blurry vision, he can see a ship approaching them. His throat feels tight. He gasps.

 

A brilliant, bright light engulfs him before he passes out.

 

 

 

 

 

_……Tony!_

 

He is cold. So cold. It’s so dark in here. Is this what being dead feels like? This isn’t as bad as he’d imagined, but still far from pleasant.

 

_Tony!_

 

Someone is calling his name, but he is too tired to figure out who it is. He feels warmer than a second ago. Almost a little too warm.

 

A broken sob is heard. Tony almost wants to reach out and tell the person it’s alright, if his body isn’t hurting like his bones might shatter. Don’t cry for him, because he surely doesn’t deserve it.

 

_Tony……Don’t leave me, please, Tony……_

 

A whisper reaches his ear, and the cloudiness in Tony’s mind suddenly clears. He wants to open his mouth and yell, he wants to hold up his arms to grasp him before he slips away again.

 

 

Steve.

 

 

 

The next time he wakes, he is on Earth, hooked up to a bunch of machines and monitors and tubes running fluids into his veins.

 

His head hurts like crazy, and his mouth is still too dry to speak, but his mind is thankfully still functional. He stares at the small crowd of people sitting around him in disbelief, feeling his throat getting tighter while his eyes well up. So he isn’t too dehydrated to cry anymore. That’s a nice change.

 

They all look up at him at once and freeze for a brief second before rushing to his side.

 

“Tony!” Pepper is the first one to throw her arms around him. He feels like his heart might burst with joy. Pepper. She is still alive. “Ms. Potts.” He whispers weakly, giving her a poor attempt at a hug.

 

“Oh Tony, thank god you are alive……I was so worried……I thought we lost you……” She cries onto his shoulder. He can tell she is trying her best to control her sobs, but she is far too relieved to guard her emotions for any longer.

 

“You wish you could get rid of me that easily.” He jokes easily and makes her laugh. There is a gentle pat on his left shoulder. Rhodey.

 

“It’s so good to have you back, Tones.” The man can’t hide his grin even if he tries. There are tears swimming in his eyes. “When we found your ship, it’s the happiest I have been in months, seriously.”

 

“Rhodes.” Tony raises his hand to give Rhodey a light squeeze. “Thank you, for not giving up on me.” He chokes up a little. He thought he was all alone in space, but his friends didn’t give up on searching for him. Never even once.

 

“Hey boss.” Happy gives him a wide grin and a shaky hug. “I had someone tidy up your office for you as soon as I heard you are back.”

 

“Thanks, Happy.” Tony grins. After being friends with Happy for so long, he can’t imagine not having him by his side.

 

Pepper, Happy, and Rhodey take a step back to make room for the others to come closer. Banner. Nat. Clint. Thor. Nebula. Tony’s eyes brighten at the ghost of a smile hanging from Nebula’s lips. For the duration of their time together on the Benatar, she was his most trusted companion. They worked through despair and hopelessness together. He wouldn’t have survived without her.

 

Standing a bit farther from everyone else is Steve, watching Tony interact with the rest of the team quietly with guilt lingering on his face. Tony has an idea of what is going through Steve’s mind right now, since the man has never been the best at concealing his emotions. They lock eyes for a moment, unspeakable tension and anxiety fill the air before Tony starts to cough. Rhodey immediately hands him a glass of water, which he gratefully accepts. “Tony, you should rest. I know you want to catch up with everybody, but your body is still recovering.” He urges. “Get some sleep. We aren’t going anywhere without you.”

 

“You better not.” Tony smiles and relaxes his body against the bed. While he wants nothing more than jumping back to work as an avenger and absorb all the information he missed while he was gone, he does feel very tired. Pepper smiles at him kindly and pulls the blanket over his chest. “We will see you in the morning, Tony. Let us know if you need anything at all.”

 

\---

 

After the initial euphoria of surviving space settles in, facing reality brings back unimaginable amount of dread. He greets the new faces that are on the team now and listens to their stories. Tony sits on his bed stoically while the remaining avengers updates him on the state of the world. The casualties, the fallen, all the people they have lost. He clenches his teeth when they tell him about the battle of Wakanda, remorse filling his mind when he pieces together the timeline. While they were struggling to put themselves back together after the defeat on Titan, Thanos had appeared on the soil of Earth to rip out the last infinity stone from Vision’s head.

 

He feels restless. Even though he can barely stand on his own without assistance, his brain is still telling him to get up and start strategizing at this very moment. “I need to—I need to get to my office. I can activate Friday again and we can brainstorm some ideas—”

 

“No. You are totally not doing that.” Rhodey narrows his eyes and pushes him back on the bed with as little pressure as he can. “You need to rest. Tony. The doctor said so.”

 

“But I can’t just sit here—” He protests. When he is met with nothing but disapproving frowns, he sighs and curls his fingers into a fist. “I……I lost the kid.” He stares into the floor, voice trembling slightly before it returns back to steady. “I need to do something. I have to.”

 

He can see the sadness flooding from Pepper’s eyes and Happy’s shoulders going stiff. Despite Happy’s initial annoyance with having to deal with the teenager, Tony knows he has grown to be quite fond of the boy. Everyone who has met Peter does. He was such a bright soul, so innocent, radiating with life. He doesn’t deserve this. He should be the one living right now. Not Tony.

 

_‘I don’t wanna go, I don’t wanna go, please, Mr. Stark, please……’_

 

The memory causes a jolt of pain to pierce through his chest. Tony feels like he might be sick.

 

“I am so sorry, Tony.” Pepper puts her hand over his fist. She is trying not to cry again. “But it wasn’t your fault, Tony. It wasn’t.”

 

But Tony knows it was.

 

\---

 

Natasha is the one who brings him lunch today.

 

“Tony.” She sits down next to his bed. Her voice is softer than he remembers.

 

“Nat.”

 

“I am sorry for letting you down. Betrayed your trust.” Her eyes are downcast, “We should have done things differently.”

 

“Don’t be, I also said some unkind things to you.” He shakes his head. “I think we all wish we could have handled it differently.”

 

She gives him a small smile. “It’s all in the past now.” She pauses. “Steve has been trying to find the chance to talk to you.”

 

So he notices. The taller man always seems to be in Tony’s proximity, but is hesitant to spend time alone with him.

 

“I won’t speak on his behalf because you deserve an apology from him directly too. If you would have that.” Natasha continues, “He wouldn’t let you go, when we first found you. Kept on holding you and won’t let anyone else get close.”

 

“He……did?” Tony’s mouth drops open a little. The fuzzy memories start to come back to him. The voice calling out his name when he fell into unconsciousness. The sobs.

 

“I think he lost it for a moment there. He thought you were dead.” Natasha shakes her head. “He thought he was too late.”

 

Tony tries to ignore the emotions that brings forward. Steve, holding his lifeless body thinking he came minutes too late to save him. Steve losing his cool. Steve shedding tears for him. Something clutches his heart.  

 

“He missed you, Tony. Even when we were……away.” Natasha smiles sadly as she gets up from the chair. “Will you let him talk to you?”

 

“It’s not like I can run away from here.” He gestures to his arm, which is still attached to the IV drip, and rolls his eyes. Nat chuckles softly. “I miss this place. Being here. With everyone.”

 

“Yeah. It’s home.” He says. They share a look and both smile.

 

“You are right. It is.”

 

\---

 

A coward. That’s what he is. It’s been days since Tony has been rescued and just about everyone had their alone time with him. Everyone except Steve Rogers, the one who owes him the most. He knows he needs to talk to Tony. He also knows Tony is expecting him. He can feel the gaze on him whenever he is in the room with him. After all that happened, the last thing he should do is make Tony wait any longer. But everytime he approaches him, his resolve immediately start to crumble under those brown eyes. It’s not like he doesn’t know what to say to Tony, but he is not ready to be shut off by Tony if it goes wrong. To be rejected, to be watched with eyes devoid of warm emotions that were once there. It would be too much, even though he knows he deserves it.

 

_They were once lovers. They once smiled together under the sun. They kissed and embraced and dreamed of the future._

 

Then he screwed everything up and left Tony hurt and injured in Siberia and didn’t contact him for years.

 

There isn’t a day that goes by without him thinking about what he should have done differently. How he shouldn’t have left things like that with Tony. How he should have tried harder to communicate with him.

 

His heart dropped when he heard Tony had left with the spaceship, and the uncertainty of not knowing if he survived Thanos’ snap nearly drove him to madness. He believed Tony was still out there, he wouldn’t let anyone tell him otherwise. It took too long for them to find him, way too long, and when he got on the Benatar and saw Tony’s emaciated body on the chair, he felt like he was going to lose his mind. 

 

He carried him back to the avenger’s new spaceship and held him tightly against his chest. Tony’s skin was cold, and that was wrong. He wanted nothing but to give him his own warmth, his blood, his soul and his life if he could. He couldn’t accept it if he were to lose Tony. He couldn’t accept it if he were too late. For Tony to have survive the decimation only to die alone in space, away from his friends and loved ones, would be far too cruel. 

 

Steve can’t remember much of it now, other than a cacophony of despair swallowing him whole as he cried onto Tony’s body. For a brief second, he couldn't even remember why he was in this fight anymore. He couldn’t hear his heartbeat. He couldn’t find his pulse. He sobbed and begged Tony to wake up, to not leave him. He truly believes he would have lost it back then if Carol Denvers hadn’t pulled him away and told him Tony was still alive.

 

He needs to say it soon, that he knows. Tony deserves to hear it from him.

 

The next day, Steve can feel his confidence wavering when he meets Tony’s gaze again. Anxiety creeps up the back of his neck. He sighs in frustration.

 

So much for being a supersoldier.

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He loathes the sound of his own voice when he wakes up screaming. It’s too loud, and he doesn’t want the others to find out. But he would see the same scene over and over in front of him, the moment everyone but him and Nebula faded away. His heartbeat won’t calm down, and he can’t stop reaching, into the air, for nothing, just like that day when he tried to save Peter, and he turned into dust in his hands.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this ends up being a little longer than I expected, so one more chapter! Thank you for everyone's kudos and comment <3

 

Pain has became an universal language in this post apocalyptic world. There isn’t one person standing here who hasn’t lost someone dear to them in the decimation. His mind is loud, constantly, and all he wants to do is to put on his suit and blast off into the sky, into space. He wants to find the mad titan, and he would squeeze the last bit of air from his lungs with his own hands. How dare he. How dare he do this. How dare he take away the kid. Tears sometimes fill his eyes for no apparent reason at all, but he hides them from the rest of the crew. He puts on a brave face, because he is Iron man.

 

Tony forces himself to focus on getting better, because he knows the doctors are right. He can’t fight in his current condition. For once, he will listen, because he can’t afford to fuck this up again. He already did too many times.

 

Once he is given the green light, he throws himself back to work. It almost feels like the old times, except they are all a little more broken. And it hurts a lot more, because everyday he is reminded of how it all started out with the six of them, how their future seemed limitless at the time.

 

He can’t ignore the pain in Steve’s eyes. He returned home to a different Steve Rogers, subtle differences in his demeanor that Tony easily picks up on. He sees Steve’s shoulders stiffen every time Tony brings his attention to him. He even stumbles over his words sometimes when he is replying to Tony. It’s like every moment he is silently waiting for Tony to push him away and close the door on his face.

 

There was a time when all Tony could think about was how hurt he was. He wanted to pull on Steve’s collar and scream and ask how could he hide his parents’ death from him. He wanted an apology, he wanted to hear Steve say that he was wrong and Tony was right, he wanted Steve to admit to the betrayal. He wanted Steve to come back to the home he created for them and tell him that they can work through this, because he wanted to hear Steve say their relationship is worth it, that _Tony_ is still worth it.

Maybe he still is angry, but he didn’t wanted to see that look in Steve’s eyes. He never did.

 

And today, with half of the universe’s population gone, that doesn’t seem like the priority anymore. It still hurts, but he won’t let this personal conflict get in the way of their mission. He can’t fix this by himself. So he tries to be kind to Steve, if it is what it takes to bring everyone back.

 

 

\---

 

 

Steve wonders if he has already missed the window of opportunity to apologize to Tony, because each day they are faced with more pressure and urgency than the previous. Plans are falling into place like puzzle pieces, the biggest operation they have ever carried out since the assembly of the avengers. They will lead the assault on Thanos and retrieve the infinity stones. They have one shot to make everything right again.

 

Having a tangible goal seems to bring a sense of purpose back to the avengers. He sees Clint looking at pictures of his family in silence. Nat spends all her time at the gym training. Banner locks himself inside of his lab for days on end to broaden his knowledge on the infinity stones. Thor stares at the horizon with a grave look on his face, undoubtedly thinking of his people of Asgard and the brother he lost.

 

And Tony. Tony is, unsurprisingly, perfecting his new Iron man suit in his workshop. He is also working on upgrading Rhodey’s suit to make sure he is ready for the fight to come. Steve doesn’t feel like he should interrupt.

 

He joins Natasha at the gym, not wanting to bother Tony and burden him any further. She gives him the same disapproving look him every time he tells her he still hasn’t talked to Tony.

 

“You should talk to him.” There is something that is left unsaid in her tone. They all know odds are stacked against them for going against the most powerful being in the universe. It may be a one way ticket. Steve wouldn’t want to leave behind any regrets.

 

Steve doesn’t reply, instead he gazes out the window. He catches a glimpse of Tony walking out the compound Rhodey by his side. They are adjusting the settings of his suit. There is a smile on Tony’s face as he converses with Rhodey, and Steve can’t help but to be lost in that beautiful curve of his lips.

 

_They were once lovers._

 

There were dates. Movie night where they got a rare moment of relaxation to themselves. Tony slept on Steve’s bed more times than he can count. The next day, his pillow still smells like his shampoo. He’d thread his fingers through Tony’s brown curls and place a gentle kiss on his mouth. Tony would give them that content smile of his and pull him back for a deeper kiss. Steve’s heart aches at the memory of Tony whispering to him one night. _‘This is what makes everything okay to me,’_ he had said. Even when he was plagued by insomnia and panic attacks after going through a wormhole, having Steve by his side made everything worth it. The Battle of New York was the first time Steve warmed up to him, and it was the start of something significant to Tony. So he embraced the pain that followed him around. The presence of Steve made him feel grounded. Tony was never shy about showing Steve just how much he was worth to him, and all Steve did was trample all over his dreams and leaving his heart empty. He saw the plea in Tony’s eyes at the airport back in Germany. Walking away from all this was one of the hardest thing he had ever done. Away from Tony, away from their joined future together. He loves him so much.

 

He turns his head away. It must be the sun in his eyes because suddenly he can’t see so clearly anymore. There is something wrong with him. The world is on the verge of death, but all he can think about is kissing Tony’s hair.

 

 

\---

 

 

He does a decent job keeping it hidden, he thinks. It’s either that or everyone else is just too preoccupied to notice, which is probably the case.

 

Tony doesn’t talk about the nightmares, how he hardly sleeps. To be fair, he doesn’t think anyone is getting much sleep these days, and he is sure he is not the only one with nightmares.

 

He can somehow manage the sleep deprivation part with more coffee, but it is the parts he can’t control that he hates.

 

He loathes the sound of his own voice when he wakes up screaming. It’s too loud, and he doesn’t want the others to find out. But he would see the same scene over and over in front of him, the moment everyone but him and Nebula faded away. His heartbeat won’t calm down, and he can’t stop reaching, into the air, for nothing, just like that day when he tried to save Peter, and he turned into dust in his hands.

 

Nothing.

 

He cries. Ugly sobs coming out of his mouth, he wraps his hands around his arms, head against his knees, rocking back and forth uncontrollably.

 

“Not him, not him, take me instead, take me, please take me……”

 

_He waited and waited for the same to happen to him. It never came._

 

“I am sorry, I am sorry, it should have been me, should have been me……”

 

_Strange should have never given up the time stone for him. Why did he? He promised he wouldn’t._

 

“It’s my fault. It was a bad plan. Terrible plan. My fault. My fault my fault my fault—”

 

“……Tony?”

 

Tony’s breathing hitches. He lifts his head and sees a blurry figure through his tears. Steve stands at his door hesitantly, like he is aware he has no rights to be here but he wants to anyway. His body language shows concern.  

 

“Rogers.” His voice cracks. God, this is the last thing he wants. He thinks despondently. To be seen like the pathetic loser he is by the man who figured out he wasn’t worth it. Now Steve would really know he made the right choice. The worst part is, he still wants him to stay.

 

“Tony. I am sorry, I know this is your room and you probably don’t want to see me but I heard your voice……I got worried.” Steve approaches him cautiously, “If you don’t want to see me, just say it and I’ll leave. I promise. I just want to make sure you are okay.”

 

 _Nothing is okay._ He wants to snap, but remembers his vow to be kind. “I am fine.” He says quietly, ostensibly lying. He just can’t stand to show Rogers more of his vulnerability right now.

 

“Tony.” Steve’s expression is pained and troubled, and Tony wants to wipe that look off his face. He doesn’t want Steve to remember him as a useless, crying mess. “I have those dreams too.” Steve says and Tony feels like his heart is put on pause. The blond sits down on end of his bed, careful to give him enough space. “You can talk to me, I mean, only if you want to.” He adds hastily, suddenly looking out of place again. Anxious.

 

It would be easier to say no, to dismiss Steve and lie more and tell him he is fine. But he doesn’t. Maybe the constant stress and general exhaustion have weakened his defenses, because he opens his mouth and can’t seem to stop himself from rambling.

 

“We almost had him. We were so close. We almost got the gauntlet off. But we screwed it up.”

 

“It was all working so well, but after Thanos broke loose, I knew it was over. We couldn’t keep up. He stabbed me with my own blade, I thought that was going to be the end of me.”

 

This can’t be the first time Steve has heard of Tony’s injuries, but his body still freezes, expression fixed on horrified.

 

Funny how Tony thinks that was the least horrible part of the whole ordeal.

 

“I thought I was going to die. He was going to finish me. But then Strange told him to spare me and he’ll give him the stone. I should have stopped him right there. Told him not to bother.” Tony’s brows knit in anguish. “He took the stone and left. You know the rest.”

 

“Tony……” Steve sounds so full of sadness, and Tony hates that. He doesn’t want to think about Steve actually caring. It makes him happy to think that he matters to Steve, but he is also simultaneously angered by it. It reminds him of how Steve chose to let go of it all despite what they were to each other.  

 

“You know what the worst part was? Peter……the kid, knew it was coming. He could feel it, and he was so scared.” Tony sniffles, covering his eyes with the palm of his hand. “I wanted to make it stop so bad, I wish I can take his place. But I couldn’t do anything. I just held him. The next second, he was gone.”

 

“Tony, it wasn’t your fault.” Tony nearly flinches when he feels Steve’s hand on his shoulder, but hearing his name from Steve’s mouth is soothing. “None of this is your fault. Please. Don’t blame yourself.”

 

“It was my fault. I should have came up with a better plan.” He grimaces, eyes glazed over, trapped in his own nightmare again. “It should have been me, why couldn’t it have been me?”

 

“There was no logic to it, Tony. It all happened at random.” Steve coaxes him so gently, placing a hand lightly over his chest. “Breathe, Tony, breathe. Don’t think about it. Focus on what is real.”

 

“But it was real.” Tony whimpers. It happened. They all went away. There wasn’t even time to mourn.

 

“Breathe, focus on me, I am right here, Tony.” Steve pleads, “We will fix this, I promise, look at me Tony. I am right here.”

 

Tony takes a deep breath, feeling lightheaded and tired. He leans back against the headboard, his gaze settling on the hand over his chest. Steve follows his eyes and pulls away like he just touched a hot stove. “Sorry—Sorry. I shouldn’t have touched you without asking.”

 

“It’s……it’s fine.” Tony swallows the lump in his throat. Steve learned to help him with his panic attacks after the events of New York. It happened multiple times while they were dating. Tony hated letting Steve see that side of him, but Steve always told him he didn’t mind, he was just glad to be able to help. They haven’t seen each other in two years, and Steve slips right back into old habits without skipping a beat. “Thank you.” He mumbles. Steve didn’t have to do that, but he did. Tried his best to make him feel better.

 

“Of course. I……I am here for you, Tony.” Steve says ever so reluctantly, probably sensing the irony with his own words. Tony remains silent, doesn’t want to purposefully give him a hard time.

 

A heavy silence spreads across the room. Tony is starting to doze off again. He begins pulling the blanket over himself and let Steve excuse himself, but Steve has a suggestion for him.

 

“Do you……want me to stay here?” He asks, barely a whisper. “It used to help you……before, when you couldn’t sleep.” He gestures the chair at the corner of the room awkwardly. “I can pull up a chair, or something.”

 

This is all so ridiculous. They are not together anymore. Tony should say no, for the sake of his own dignity, but he really is exhausted. He can use the sleep. It did used to help, when they were dating. Nothing is the same anymore, but maybe Steve will still have some of the same effect on him.

 

He considers it. “You sure you don’t mind? You need to sleep too.”

 

“Not at all. I am not that tired. I took a nap earlier.” Roger answers, almost a little too eager. He checks himself and drops his head. “I would be happy to. But only if you are okay with it.”

 

“Alright. Feel free to go……at anytime. You don’t have to stay the whole night.” Tony scratches the back of his head, shifting his body to lie back on the bed again while Steve pulls the chair closer to the bed. “Night, Cap.”

 

“Good night, Tony.” Steve replies wistfully, like he is missing something and waiting for it to return. “And Tony? I am really sorry about what happened to the kid.” He sounds incredibly genuine, bringing a sense of comfort to his heart.

 

“I am sorry about Barnes too.” He says quietly. He heard about how it happened from Natasha. Must have been hard for Steve. It’s the second time he had to watch his best friend go.

 

Steve smiles at him sadly. He can tell Steve wants to say more, but Tony can’t think about much of anything right now. He is so tired, and tomorrow, he has more fixing to do on Rhodey’s suit. He has to do everything he can to protect everyone. He won’t let anyone die on his watch again.

 

The next morning, he thinks, there will be an empty chair. But when he wakes, Steve is right there, head tilting to one side, snoring softly. He stayed the whole night.

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As they make their journey return, Steve paid no heed to the stars they passed by. The existence of Tony Stark glowed brighter than a billion stars in the galaxy combined.

 

 

By the time Steve wakes up, Tony is gone.

 

Disappointment clouds the supersoldier’s mind before he notices the blanket draped over him. Tony’s blanket. A smile quickly rises to his lip. Despite knowing that he slept past when he usually wakes up, Steve isn’t in a hurry to leave. He is in Tony’s room. Tony allowed him to stay. Tony wasn’t hostile towards him and didn’t kick him out. This is more than what he can ask for. It’s progress.

 

He still hasn’t said his apology to Tony yet, sensing last night wasn’t a good time. Tony was in a panic attack, his logic pushed to the side by his guilt. Steve just wanted to help him feel better. He can tell Tony hasn’t been resting properly ever since he was released from medic.

 

Gripping the blanket in his hand, Steve presses his face gently to the soft fabric. How Tony still has room in his heart to tolerate Steve is entirely beyond him. After what had happened between them, he’d expect Tony to order him to get out last night. Tony isn’t a cruel person, he knows that, but he wouldn’t have blamed him if he were cruel to Steve. After all, Tony was right, about the threat from above. Steve couldn’t see it at the time, and he left Tony to deal with it on his own. He wished he was there to fight side by side with Tony when the Children of Thanos came to retrieve the Time Stone. Perhaps it would have made a difference. He will never know now.

 

He can never stop thinking about what an incredible person Tony is. He is so many things at once, and each of these unique qualities complement each other so spectacularly. He is intelligent, far more intelligent than Steve can ever comprehend. He is hardworking; Steve has never seen anyone worked harder than Tony when he is in his workshop, perfecting whatever project he has on his list. He is kind. Beneath all that sarcasm and ego, Steve knows Tony isn’t as narcissistic as he makes himself out to be. He knows Tony is more than capable of observing his own flaws. Heck, Tony is probably the biggest critic of himself, and that says a lot considering he is among one of the most famous and controversial people on the planet.

 

After his involvement in Project Rebrith, Steve got used to being the subject of awe and admiration. As soon as he introduces himself as Captain America, most people immediately recognize his leadership and assume they have to follow his words. This excludes Tony. From the first time they’ve met, Tony has constantly challenged him and his worldview, pushing him outside his sphere of thinking. While it can be frustrating at times, he is truly grateful for it. He is self aware enough to know that he doesn’t always know the answer for every dilemma, and Tony brings him new perspectives to consider. Steve didn’t know how much he missed it until he didn’t have Tony with him anymore.

 

Being with Tony……is a lot. But one thing that is never absent from their relationship is passion. They fight because they are both so passionate about their beliefs, but they share a common goal: to make the world a better and safer place. For what it is worth, Steve has always feel honored to be standing beside Iron Man. Tony is like a fire, and he burns hot. For Steve, who thought he would have died surrounded by freezing ice and water, it almost seems like fate that he fell for Tony.

 

Holding onto the blanket and breathing in Tony’s scent, he closes his eyes and savors this moment. Like a cat lying beneath a ray of sunlight, Steve feels warm and content.

 

 

\---

 

 

It is nearly impossible to not be aware of the attention he gets from Steve.

 

After that night, Steve makes the effort to take care of Tony in whatever way he can. He makes him breakfast in the morning, hands him water and protein bars after he gets back from the gym, and whenever he feels like a headache is about to come on, Steve is standing there with the bottle of ibuprofen in hand.

 

He doesn’t forcefully insert himself in Tony’s time with other, behaving beyond respectful of Tony’s space. He just wants to show Tony that he still cares, and he is doing it so very earnestly. It reminds Tony of the letter he got in the mail from Steve. _If you need me, I’ll be there._

 

Tony would convince himself that Steve is only doing this out of guilt for leaving him, but whenever they make eye contact, Steve smiles at him like he is looking at the most prized treasure on Earth, and that assumption in Tony’s brain starts to waver.

 

At night, Steve comes in his room and he stays on that chair, most times for the entire night. After Steve’s third visit to show Tony his dedication to the cause, Tony got a nice comfy couch set up in his room. Steve stares in surprise when he sees the couch. “Thank you,” he says, to which Tony replies “I didn’t get it just for you.” He doesn’t want Steve to see him wanting to smile, so he turns towards the wall and buries his face onto the pillow. He hears Steve chuckling softly behind him, setting down the cup of chamomile tea he made for Tony with a click on the nightstand. When Steve reaches out to gently stroke his hair, Tony no longer feels like flinching away. The touch feels like home again.

 

 

\---

 

 

He doesn’t remember much about their trip up to space. He is sure the galaxy must had been beautiful, even after the catastrophic event of Thanos’ snap. He always wanted to see what space is like, even since he was a child. Yet he couldn’t spare himself even a second to appreciate the view when he finally had the chance, because he was too preoccupied with the quest of saving Tony.  Knowing that Tony was possibly alive made his heart swell with excitement, and the thought of Tony possibly dead in space filled his mind with indescribable agony. He was restless till the moment they found the spaceship with Tony and Nebula.

 

Steve feels like he couldn’t breathe when they were giving emergency treatment to Tony. He was stranded in space for 22 days, starving, dehydrated, and suffocating from the lack of oxygen right before they rescued them both. 22 days, for God’s sake. Just how much did Tony suffer without them knowing? Steve was crying so hard on the spaceship that Natasha had to sit him down and told him to take deep breaths. They were nearly too late.

 

“He almost died.” He said.

 

“But he made it. He’ll be fine. We’ll get him to medic as soon as we get back.” She comforted.

 

“We could have lost him!” He ran his hand through his hair, suddenly angry. “Why did it take us so long? What were we doing? Why didn’t we look harder?”

 

“Steve.” She attempted to reason with him. “We had no idea if he was alive. When we found out that this was a possibility, we immediately pursued it. All of us wanted to get him back.” She patted his shoulder. “You worked harder than anyone to make sure we would find him.”

 

“I am sorry. I shouldn’t have yelled.” He rubbed his eyes tiredly. He hasn’t slept much for the past two weeks. He was being irrational. “I just didn’t want to see him like this.” His voice starts to crack. “He must have been terrified.”

 

“I know, Steve.” Natasha’s gaze shifted to the side. She was visibly upset as well, but she was trying to hide it. “None of us want to lose him.” She was trying to hide the gravity of the possibility; the thought of losing Tony Stark was unfathomable to all of them.

 

Earth’s best defender.

 

“Hey, he is still unconscious, but his vitals are stable now. We already contacted Banner and he is going to get everything set up and ready for him by the time we get home.” Rhodey approached them, a tight smile on his face. Steve felt terrible for losing it back there. He was so frantic that he barely had any room to consider the feelings of his teammates. Rhodey was Tony’s best friend, but he held it together so much better than Steve. “Thought you might want to see him, Cap.”

 

“Yes. Yes please.” He answered desperately. He needed to see Tony, to ensure that he was safe with his own eyes. Natasha gave him a pat on the back encouragingly. “Go. Spend some time with him.”

 

The moment he set eyes on Tony, eyes shut tightly closed with an oxygen mask over his face, Steve felt like crying again. He lost so much weight, dark circles under his eyes prominent. He had seen Tony going through rough spots before, but this was worse than anything that happened before. If it wasn’t for the rise and fall of his chest indicating he was still breathing, his appearance would almost seen like he was gone. Steve had seen enough dead bodies in his lifetime to know. Tony was strong, always strong, and he always got back up. This looked like something that could have been permanent. It scared Steve.

 

“He is going to be fine, I promise.” Rhodey gave him a little shove. “Seriously, Cap. Tony isn’t going down like this. Not until he gives a big ‘fuck you’ to Thanos.”

 

“Yeah, you are right.” Steve gave him a small smile. Having Rhodey here helped. There was a part of him that expected Rhodey to punch him in the guts the first time after they saw each other again after Siberia. But a lot was having that day, including alien invasion and Tony leaving with the alien spaceship, and Rhodey had always been a responsible man who knew his priorities.

 

If Rhodey trusted Steve to be around Tony, then maybe Steve could trust himself with Tony.

 

The moment his fingers touched Tony’s face, a wave of emotions slammed into him with the intensity of the burning sun. It was hot and painful and somewhat a shock to his system. Two years. It had been two years since he had contact of any sort with Tony Stark, the man he fell in love for and continued to love despite his absence. The sensation was astronomical, and Steve felt tears rushing to his eyes again. “Can I hold him? Please? He is cold. I would like to hold him.” He whispered, on the verge of begging. Tony shouldn’t feel this cold. Steve knew he was warm and maybe he could make Tony feel a little better. He’d do anything for him.

 

“Sure, sure, just don’t move him around too much. It should be fine.”

 

Steve carefully shifted Tony’s weight onto his lap, wrapping his arms around his former lover and bringing him close to his chest. “I am so sorry, Tony.” He said as tears fell into Tony’s hair. For the first time in ages, he finally felt grounded again being able to hear Tony’s steady heartbeat. He was sorry Tony had to deal with things on his own. He was sorry that he was a terrible friend and kept secrets from him. He was sorry that he was an even worse boyfriend and left him in the snowy land of Siberia.

 

He didn’t lose him.

 

And that was the moment when he realized that nothing else in his life was more valuable to the man in his arms. As they make their journey return, Steve paid no heed to the stars they passed by. The existence of Tony Stark glowed brighter than a billion stars in the galaxy combined.

 

 

Steve comes to realize just how many times he had almost lost Tony.

 

Although that night wasn’t the first time he heard about Tony’s fight against Thanos, hearing it directly from his mouth was much more troubling, in addition to the fact that Tony was so nonchalant about getting stabbed and nearly dying at Thanos’ hand. It isn’t difficult to imagine just how traumatizing the whole experience was for Tony.

 

Steve has always knew about Tony’s self flagellation tendencies, and it breaks his heart to hear him crying out at night pleading to be taken by the decimation instead of the kid from Queens. There is no doubt that Tony truly believes he doesn’t deserve to live.

 

Tony survived so much, and he had been hurt so many times. It pains him to no end to think about what if Tony had died fighting Thanos, or if he had been part of the casualty of the decimation, he wouldn’t have been able to do any of the things he is doing right now for him. No holding him when he has nightmares, no making breakfast for him, no smiling at him and feeling warm and happy when he smiles back. When Steve actually thinks about it, it is a miracle that he got the chance to be part of Tony’s life.

 

No matter what happens, at least he still gets this time with Tony.

 

A new sense of purpose ripens in his chest. Nat tells him he is smiling more now.

 

\---

 

 

Tony has another nightmare. He cries out and reaches into the air again. Only this time, he isn’t grasping nothing. Steve holds his hand and cradles him against his chest. “I am here, Tony, you are okay, you are okay. You are not alone. I am here.”

 

Not _nothing_ anymore.

 

It’s nice to not be alone.

It’s nice to……have him back.

 

“Thanks, Steve……”

He hears himself mumble as he fades to sleep.

 

\---

 

 

 

The sound of Tony’s crying slowly starts to cease. Steve cradles the man’s head on his shoulder, rubbing his back in a comforting manner.

 

 _Thanks, Steve._ Steve. Tony finally calls him Steve. It feels like a dream. Lingering shock wraps itself around his organs, settling in his heart. He missed hearing his name from Tony’s lips. Not Cap, not Rogers, just Steve. He can’t help but to hold Tony closer to him endearingly. _You really do love him._ The voice inside his head says. _You have always loved him more than anyone in the world._

 

 _That’s true._ He thinks idly, not wanting to let go despite the fact that Tony has already fallen back to sleep. _I really do love him._ His feelings for Tony never changed, not when he was certain that Tony had hated him and will never look at him in the eye again. Even then, his love remained true.

 

 _Then you should know what you should do. Tell him how you feel._ The voice tells him. _He already gave you the thing you wanted the most._

 

Whether Tony chooses to forgive him or not, doesn’t matter anymore. The fear of being rejected by Tony shouldn’t stop him from delivering his apology, because whether Tony forgives him or not, Steve Rogers is already the luckiest bastard in the world to be able to have this moment in his life.

 

\---

 

Tomorrow is the big day. Tomorrow, they will lead the attack on Thanos and retrieve the infinity stones. Every avengers have worked tirelessly towards this goal. _You know your teams, and you know your mission._ Steve had said to the team earlier today. _No mistakes, and no do-overs._ Steve’s eyes were bright and determined when he made the speech this morning, and watching him sent a little spark of heat into Tony’s heart. How stupid, how wrong of him to be feeling this way when they have a mission to save humanity the next day. Tony hurriedly bury the feeling deep in his chest.

 

He keeps himself busy the entire day, making sure everyone’s weapons and equipment are in perfect shape. Anxiety hangs high in the air, and most of the team decide to head to bed early. Tony knows he should follow suit, but he already knows he won’t be able to get much sleep in. There is too much on his mind.

 

They are going against someone with all six infinity stones. Thanos is a formidable enemy, but he can’t even think about the reality of losing, because that would mean losing half the world’s population permanently. _Losing Peter permanently._

 

He takes a cup of chamomile tea back to his room and stares at his Iron Man suit. _Please._ He begs. _Don’t let me fuck this up._ His relationship with his suit is complex to say the least, they are one and it has stood by him during some of the most difficult times in his life. Depending on what happens tomorrow, maybe this is the final time he will wear the suit. Maybe this will be the last thing he feels before he dies.

 

 _Don’t start spiraling now, Stark._ He warns himself sternly. He doesn’t have the time for this.

 

A soft knock on the door. Tony lifts his head, not shocked to find a certain supersoldier smiling at him by his door. “Figured you might have trouble sleeping tonight.” He says. “Mind if I join?”

 

“Just letting you know, I won’t be good company tonight.” Tony shrugs. “If you want to abandon your nice king sized bed for this, by all means go for it.”

 

“It doesn’t bother me.” Steve approaches him, steady and unwavering, but gentle.

 

“Tony, I owe you an apology.”

 

Tony’s heart skips a beat. “Why now?” He forces himself to remain calm, but he can’t stop his mind from going ten million different directions. He clenches his hands to stop them from shaking.

 

“Because I was a coward, and I couldn’t bring myself to remind you of what I did, as if you would ever forget about something like that.” Steve sighs. “I know this is overdue, but I would like to say it. Just……just in case I don’t get the chance later.” That last sentence shut off all the protests Tony had in mind. He nods, not trusting himself with words.

 

“Tony.” He raises his eyebrow in surprised when Steve kneels in front of him, warm hands wrapping around his own. “I am really sorry for what happened in Siberia. I shouldn’t have kept the truth about your parents’ death from you. I……I don’t regret trying to protect Bucky, because he had no control over his actions and I have known him since I was a kid. I know he is a good man, and Hydra did terrible things to him. He is like a brother to me. I know you are angry, and you have every right to be. It was my fault that I kept on putting off telling you. If I hadn’t done that, at least you would have more time to process everything.” Steve laments.

 

Siberia was his worst nightmare. The man he loved was trying to kill his best friend. Steve couldn’t think. He didn’t have the leisure to consider the alternatives. All he could do is to separate Tony from his mind-controlled best friend. Tony was relentless. He wanted revenge on Bucky. Steve felt like his heart was shattering. He couldn’t just watch Bucky die in front of him again, then the only choice was to, the only choice was……to hurt Tony. He just needed to stop him. To deactivate his suit. That was all he needed to do. He would explain himself, he would. He needed to get Bucky away from here because Bucky needed help. Steve already failed Bucky once and he was the reason Bucky ended up the way he was, so he couldn’t fail him again. Tony was smart and brilliant and maybe one day he would understand. Tony just needed time. He wished with all his heart.

 

“I know I hurt you deeply, and there is probably nothing I can do to make it up to you. I just want to tell you how sorry I am. And that I never meant for this to be me choosing Bucky over you……there isn’t a day when I didn’t think about you after I left. I thought about you, about us, about our relationship all the time.” Steve gazes into his eyes and there are no lies, Tony knows it better than anyone. He feels like he can almost hear his own heart hammering painfully in his chest. “I don’t deserve to ask for your forgiveness now, it won’t be right to put this on you. You mean the world to me, Tony, and that will never change. Losing you was one of the worst things I endured. I felt like I lost part of myself when I walked away.”

 

“Steve.” Tony chokes out, his gaze darting away to avoid letting Steve see the tears brimming in his eyes. He should have been wearing his sunglasses. Tony Stark might be narcissistic but he is not lacking in empathy. After the mess in Siberia, he also spent a great deal of time reflecting on what happened. He was angry, yes. But maybe it was easier to stay angry when you don’t see that person anymore. It was easier to be angry at Steve when the future of the universe wasn’t at stake and Steve wasn’t making every attempt at showing him how much he still cares about Tony. And now, with Steve kneeling in front of him, confessing his love, Tony questions if he would be able to convince himself for any longer that he hasn’t already forgiven Steve long ago.

 

At the end of the day, Bucky had no choice in the actions he carried out. It was Hydra who turned him into a weapon and he didn’t have the option to say no. Hydra, not James Barnes, murdered his parents. Tony knows it wasn’t his fault, but it is still hard to let go of that pain in his heart. He still hears his mother screaming Howard’s name in his nightmares. More than anything, maybe Tony is even angrier at himself wasting the opportunity to tell his parents he loved them before they were killed in cold blood. “You mean a lot to me too, you know that. But I can’t answer this right now, I know you get it.” He chews on his lip. The wound still hurts, and there is a lot of trauma to work through. After they fix the universe, he swears he will start going to therapy for real this time. Then maybe he can finally want a future instead of dwelling on the past. How ironic it is that he calls himself a futurist. “We will talk about it when we get back, yeah?” He brushes his hand against Steve’s cheek. He can hardly keep that affection from him now. “And for what it is worth, I should also apologize to Barnes. I know it wasn’t……him. He didn’t have anything against my parents. I had enough time to think that one through and I am starting to get it now. But it’s still……hard for me. I am sorry, Steve.”

 

“Of course. Thank you for saying all this to me.” Tony expects Steve to be more or less a little disappointed in his response, but instead the man only smiles and holds his hand tighter. There is a sense of overall serenity in his demeanor.

 

“Steve? You are okay with this? You are not……mad at me?” Tony can’t control his mouth and asks brusquely. It’s his insecurity speaking. He supposes if he were to die tomorrow, he wants to know he is still loved by Steve.

 

“Mad at you? Why would I be?” Steve sounds more astonished than anything else. He gets up from the floor and sits down next to Tony, coiling his arms around him.

 

“Tony, you gave me the greatest gift of all, something more than I ever deserve. I thought I forever lost the chance to apologize to you, to tell you how I feel about you, and that would have been my biggest regret, something I don’t think I will ever recover from. Even if I make it alive after tomorrow, there will be nothing to come home to if you aren’t here with me.” A wistful smile reaches Steve’s eyes, and Tony can taste his tears, mixed with his own. “It took me forever to figure this out. I was so scared to have this conversation with you because I was so focused on getting your forgiveness, but then I realize just how much you already gave me. You worked so hard to stay alive, you never backed down in the face of adversary. By surviving, you saved me a lifetime of regret despair. Being able to say this to you now, getting to hold you and protect you from the conflicts to come, mean the world to me. ” He takes a hold of Tony’s hand, and kisses his knuckles gently.

 

“Thank you……for making it back, for being so brave and holding on for so long. Thank you for still being here. I love you, Tony. I love you more than anything else in the world.”

 

“Damn it, Steve Rogers……” Tony is sure that he is full on sobbing now. He doesn't know what to do, because part of him has always believed that Steve hated him for trying to kill his best friend, that Steve will never look at him with love again, and now Steve is reciting his love for Tony straight from his soul. He pounds on Steve’s chest lightly, clutching onto his t shirt like his life depends on it. “Damn you……this is not fair……you had all this time to think about this and I am……I am not prepared at all.” Steve’s words reminds Tony of the best hot cocoa he has ever tasted in winter, melting into his heart and making him feel warm and full on the inside. It is everything he has always wanted to hear from Steve, every word is saturated with love Steve holds for him.

 

“You don’t have to be prepared, Tony.” Steve is laughing some and then crying a little. “To be honest, I am scared about tomorrow. I can’t lose you, it would destroy me completely. I know it because I thought you were dead when we found you and the first thing I thought about was how I wished I had died by your side.” Steve wraps his large hand around Tony’s waist. He won’t allow that to happen. To him, Tony’s survival and happiness is pretty much tantamount to the avengers’ goal of restoring the universe.

 

“Rogers, you better not pull some stupid shit tomorrow, you hear me? Iron Man doesn’t need protection.” Tony grasps Steve’s collar and stares up intensely at him, eyes wide and red staining with tears. “Don’t you dare doing some dumb self-sacrificing act for me, I swear I am going to haunt you forever if that happens.”

 

Steve hesitates. “Of course we will follow through with the plan, getting the stones back is paramount, but if it comes down to choosing between me and you, it’s a no brainer, Tony……”

 

“Shut up. Shut up about that because it’s not going to happen, you big idiot.” Tony kisses Steve hard on the mouth to stop him from saying the rest of the sentence. He doesn’t want to admit that is one of his deepest fears, to lose Steve in tomorrow’s battle. Because of everything that happened since he came back from space, he doesn’t think he would want a future without Steve, either. “Both of us are staying alive. You can’t die on me, Rogers. We are going to fix the world and then……then we can talk about all our unsolved issues.” He lets out a shaky sigh, lips curving into an uncertain smile. “I haven’t……told you I have forgiven you yet. So you better stay alive, so you can hear it from me, got it? This isn’t over yet. I want you to take me on a date, and I want a whole apology dinner from you. I am talking about homemade dinner Rogers, you owe me that much after making me wait for two years.”

 

“A date.” Steve pauses, a warm smile spreading across his face, “I got it. Promise.” The future is waiting for them. If he gets the chance to live his life after the war with Tony, there is no way he is going to mess this up again.

 

“Good.” Tony is smiling back too, he rests his head on Steve’s shoulder while the taller man wipes the tears off his face and kisses him in the most passionate way possible. He closes his eyes and returns the kiss, letting the joy sink deeply into his heart, not wanting to ever forget about this moment.

 

They are the Avengers. These titles will always be integral to their identities. But if they can both make it back on Earth after tomorrow, he would like to spend more time in their relationship simply as Tony Stark and Steve Rogers. They will stand as equals, partners, not only as Iron Man and Captain America, but also as two men who loves each other.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for everyone who read this fic!! I am sure endgame is going to make me cry so here is some fluff to act as buffer before the movie comes out. This is my first time writing mcu/stevetony and I am sure it won't be the last, I already have ideas on something more angsty for my next piece. I had a lot of fun writing this and I hope you enjoyed it too! If anyone wants to talk about stevetony, you can find me on twitter @liza_mcu!


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